I've sort of been crying a lot uncontrollably in the past few days. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I have had one too many family engagements and it is cramping mahh style. Ha. But really, it is. Things are sort of strange and in transition. Mr. A has said he doesn't want to see me anymore which is a long time coming seeing as it has been 4 or more months and we are still way too up in each others shit. The thing is, he came tonight with me to my cousins to have a jew ol' good time and for some reason I basically cried, publicly, the whole night. The weird thing (besides me crying uncontrollably in public, of course) was that no one said anything. One woman actually went as far as to ask me a few questions about myself before realizing that there was no way I was going to answer any of them with more than a yes or no, even if that answer wasn't appropriate. My cousin asked me if I was sick and then my sister walked in, in her stockings and backless shirt and I'm not going to lie, I sort of wanted to cry more. I'm also not really sure what the fuck I am doing with men. In that, I don't think I want a relationship but then I sort of feel like a dick for just fucking around. Not that I fuck around, I mean, I have been with the same 2 people for the past 2 years...but now I'm not and it's weird and I'm not sure I remember how I let them in at all. And I'm not sure how you are supposed to let new ones in either. Because, I don't trust the possibility and I don't want to run after anything that comes along just to try and get my mind off of the one who didn't come back at all. It's been a whole week of self-control with him and I'm trying to gauge how it feels in my body to not have the possibility of seeing him or touching him any time soon if at all. Calla is fucking back. Back at home, back in my life, back in my room, back in my house, back, back, back. It makes me want to curl up and just crawl into her stylish sweaters. I haven't gone a day without seeing her and I think I'll have some serious anxiety separation when that happens. I wish this new person wouldn't speak in silly talk. He is too willing to give everything of himself to someone who is so obviously not ready to be responsible, even for her own self.

Fuck Monday.

Tomorrow is Monday. And I can't find the attention span to sit down and read something good lately. I feel that the past 3 weeks have been at a sort of stand still for my mind.