I think that is what I so desperately want to rid myself of: any remote part of my mind that still believes in the reality of living. But I know it doesn't make sense. To you.

I've also been trying to figure out who we are in nature. No hippies...we're too selfish for all that. And no bums because some of us have money. Not rebels because most of us are still following the same paths that some one else has followed. Maybe junkies? No, we still feel loyalty to one another. We still love each other in the ways we know how, and I don't mean that as an excuse but as a reality of some peoples minds. We're not even stoners! Quite a few have already gone too far with too many things to be stoners. I guess the disgusting word that gets stuck in my cotton mouth is "fringer". This is why though...

I see this black and red landscape with solitary rocks, miles high with nothing visible near by and then you hit cities with blocks for buildings and sidewalks made out of tightly packed old poets trash. We are all cut outs here and we sit on the edge of the tallest cliff. We all see different shades of the red in front of us and our perspectives are shown in our paintings. Paintings where there are so many shades of red that the mind forgets existence and the structure of the word, 'concepts'. Black in not just a singular thing here, for us. It is not just a "color". It comes through in our words too and the words we tap tap tap on papers or hands or paper cups. I have never heard so many descriptions on the simple perspective of something as common and played out as our very own lives. I love the eccentric. But I don't want to call us that. I'll keep living, for a little while, until I see red and black instead of the red of the first leaf you saw this fall or the red of the lipstick I smeared on my lips as a child just to make sure everyone knew that I had kissed you, the red of the very first time I felt wounded by anyone or anything or any idea or any belief.
I may always be living in the dirt and grime of cities but I'll still like to go to the beautiful places too. I just prefer to see the shame of people and get to escape it while being surrounded and thinking, "we are free, you are me and we have everything and nothing at the same time and we feel everything and nothing at the same time too."