You're probably in Illinois at some gas station, rumbling through your pockets looking for change. You wouldn't have the intention of calling anyone from home with those coins though. Those coins are for beer along the road and for bumming cigarettes from strangers who don't become familiar. I guess your hair has grown out too and maybe you've gotten a little dirty by now but I'm also going to guess that you still have that distinctly aromatic smell of sweetness and musk following behind you. Maybe you are doing none of these things and instead you are just couch surfing from acquaintance to acquaintance and are getting money put into your bank account from daddy to buy your cigarettes and booze. I don't want to think that this is how you're living because it's not how I want to be living but I'm doing that anyway it seems. People don't see you as quiet but sometimes when I think about what your face looks like and how you move when you aren't speaking I think I can sense the quiet part in you and maybe it's just running from the silence.
I miss you. And you. I hope you're dusty out west somewhere so I'm not disappointed.

Ah glorious! Last night was sort of fine as in fine like egyptian cotton. Until that weird shit happened and then I'm not really sure where the lines of conversation were drawn or who I was or where I was or what the fuck was going on. But before all that, the night was fucking beauty.

I've sort of been crying a lot uncontrollably in the past few days. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I have had one too many family engagements and it is cramping mahh style. Ha. But really, it is. Things are sort of strange and in transition. Mr. A has said he doesn't want to see me anymore which is a long time coming seeing as it has been 4 or more months and we are still way too up in each others shit. The thing is, he came tonight with me to my cousins to have a jew ol' good time and for some reason I basically cried, publicly, the whole night. The weird thing (besides me crying uncontrollably in public, of course) was that no one said anything. One woman actually went as far as to ask me a few questions about myself before realizing that there was no way I was going to answer any of them with more than a yes or no, even if that answer wasn't appropriate. My cousin asked me if I was sick and then my sister walked in, in her stockings and backless shirt and I'm not going to lie, I sort of wanted to cry more. I'm also not really sure what the fuck I am doing with men. In that, I don't think I want a relationship but then I sort of feel like a dick for just fucking around. Not that I fuck around, I mean, I have been with the same 2 people for the past 2 years...but now I'm not and it's weird and I'm not sure I remember how I let them in at all. And I'm not sure how you are supposed to let new ones in either. Because, I don't trust the possibility and I don't want to run after anything that comes along just to try and get my mind off of the one who didn't come back at all. It's been a whole week of self-control with him and I'm trying to gauge how it feels in my body to not have the possibility of seeing him or touching him any time soon if at all. Calla is fucking back. Back at home, back in my life, back in my room, back in my house, back, back, back. It makes me want to curl up and just crawl into her stylish sweaters. I haven't gone a day without seeing her and I think I'll have some serious anxiety separation when that happens. I wish this new person wouldn't speak in silly talk. He is too willing to give everything of himself to someone who is so obviously not ready to be responsible, even for her own self.

Fuck Monday.

Tomorrow is Monday. And I can't find the attention span to sit down and read something good lately. I feel that the past 3 weeks have been at a sort of stand still for my mind.

"I went to a cobbler To fix a hole in my shoeHe took one look at my faceAnd said, "I can fix that hole in you"I beg your pardon I'm not looking for a cureSeen enough of my friendsIn the depths of the godsick bluesYou know I am a liarYou know I am a liarNobody helps a liarBecause I've been down to DixieAnd dropped acid on my tongueTripped upon the landUntil enough was enoughI was a little bit lighterAnd adventure on my sleeveI was a little drunkAnd looking for companySo I found myself a sweetheartWith the softest of handsWe were unlucky in loveBut I'd do it all againWe build ourselves a fireWe build ourselves a fireBut you know I am a liarYou know I am a liarAnd you don't know what I've doneBy the rolling river isExactly where I wasThere was no simple cureFor unlucky in loveTo be lonely is a habitLike smoking or taking drugsAnd I've quit them bothBut man, was it roughNow I am tiredIt just made me tiredLet's build ourselves a fireLet's build ourselves a fire"

Jenny Lewis

This shit is interesting. Yo.

The three basic ideas of Theosophy are (1) the fundamental unity of all existence, so that all pairs of oppositesómatter and spirit, the human and the divine, I and thou—are transitory and relative distinctions of an underlying absolute Oneness, (2) the regularity of universal law, cyclically producing universes out of the absolute ground of being, and (3) the progress of consciousness developing through the cycles of life to an ever-increasing realization of Unity.