Realizing I've never been happier than I am right now. I have so much growth, so much past that has brought me here and so much more to work on. I am filling my mind with the worlds words! Learning what I can, listening to new mouths move and accepting my purpose. Relationship is all there is, no career, no money, though I know I need these things and have the desire to work for them, I want to experience humanity and let it experience me. I've been feeling so many quickened heart beats on my back and felt my breath and mind learning how to deal with them. The intricacy of stories, how some people can be as detailed as a book and see the world through these little details. Knowing that I lost someone and have gained more, knowing that emotions are not rational and come and go. Knowing that some people will stay with toxicity forever and that I can allow them to because I know myself and what I look for in my world.

So many quickened heart beats on my back,
each one a new story
each one the color of a strangers eyes.

And the disgusting things about people is their ignorance, their love for being blind, the ability to misunderstand and accept misunderstanding. I want to pull each mistake out, carve them out into the sand with my toes so they'll cover themselves up when I go.

Wow. So incredible the way life flows,
how words come out of me this one time because I forgot to think about if you knew me or not. You do, and I am getting to know myself now, wanting time and more time. Confusing where to start when I want explanations. It was so nice to see you.

i have been left.

some things wont leave me...like wanting to throw up on and punch things sometimes. I've been thinking a lot about the order of things, the order of the way our minds work, the order in which we go to get where we are. I've been thinking a lot about hate, and how it really cannot be separated from control and self-loathing. I've been thinking about how there is too much to do and nothing to say.

Noticing my home as if I've never lived here before,
settling into knowing I'm moving forward even if other people continue to say "oh, well...you have time" without knowing me. not to be angry, but mobile and not get caught in what I don't believe in.

He said to make sure it spilled out of you,
he said to not show it to lovers or mothers.
Well I showed it to both and called it intimacy
scrapping the tops of buildings like we did
trying to pick up extra change for the hobos you
wanted to be.
Now I look at you,
trying to spill out clumps of
your hair
pulling from the drain,
our flight fell.
Crevass of echos deep in their chaos, it melds into
the swirl of who you were to me,
sitting up late,
wanting grasses greener than
the dollar i spent
not sleeping in bed with you again.

How did I know we'd end up like birds on a swing,
never quite still,
never in one place,
moving forward clipping my wings from the black rubber seat,
I sing.
I sing for you,
the one who brought me close to death,
close to throwing up my body till there were only shins.
My face is stone
my tongue sits on it, the main attraction lapping up
the moon and the sun when they meet each day.
How would I know a swing could bring me so close to living?
Living like loving the only way I know how to
living in love like it was my seeing eye dog except I wasn't anyones self respect but my own intelligence.
How would I know what it felt like being stifled
to be dead to be a translation of other peoples thoughts in my head.
How do I know I love you?
I love you I love you
and I want to say it till I'm awake again.
Awake to the past not owning me and the present not being me
but awake awake to the movements we make when we agree that as humans,
we can collide together and as swings we could fly together and
as hope for the bottom truly being the bottom
we can rise up together.