Oh man. Walking today I noticed an old man across the street. He had on a tweed jacket and big, thick, brown glasses. The next time I looked over at him he was lying flat on the floor. He'd fallen and I ran towards him and grabbed his hand to help him up. I thought, "He is my grandfather. He is someones grandfather. He is an old man who has been embarrassed. He is an old man who has gotten back up.".


I can do nice things for strangers but nothing nice for my family, huh? I don't know. I don't think I was so wrong and I think my mother overreacted incredibly. The hard thing about interacting with people is that everything is a reaction to something said or something done. It makes it hard to know who started what first. It makes it hard to know if I've always been a bitch or if my mother's neurosis made me hate being around her and thus, hate speaking with her.

Shit words out.

Sweet, crispy history. We rub heads together, yours bristles against the heat of my cheeks.

We've been buzzing round searching for complete defeat.
I've been writing poems for no one for entire months now.

In bed, together again, I'm concious of how my body looks to you. Sitting behind me, does my back look strange? Do the shadows fall where they should? Do you remember how my hair knots before the day ends?

Tongue to tongue, intertwined like best friends, your taste still slips off and sticks to mine, distinct.

The TV's on, I play wife.
But this time I wont talk about things like that. I'll focus on the rough patches of skin and the hardness your voice can have while practiced.

We hold hand and touch feet,
our lips a second thought.

Play.

They crushed old beer cans with their shoes and walked over sweatshirts instead of what could've been earth. She thinks how she's never seen so much crap before. The hidden places carry the most and this place is full of graffiti and squaters beds. They just use it as inspiration. EAch step feels heavy and their eyes strain to stay open, one in copetition with the other. She sits on a fallen tree, her friend crouches low to the ground, looking up at the open tunnel around him. The colors run into the dirt and rocks placed in between the crap on the ground. When he looks down, the colors have bled to the tips of his tennis shoes, which are white. A third amigo, slender as the path taken on the way here, stretches quickly, the moon light escapes through the space of her upper abdomen and her breasts. The others are captivated, in not for more than a few seconds. Breasts arn't unusual to them but these are particulary large.

Look up, look up!

Ah! Things are looking up, I said! It's true though and I am basking in that shit for as long as it feels good. Road trip '09 is looking like it will be prime and an adventure and full of nature and camping and weed! My mother was almost supportive even which is really what made me happy. She actually said, "I think you are thinking about all this in the right way.". That is such a my mother comment and it doesn't really make sense but to her it does and to me it just means, "I generally approve and will not threaten to never give you another 50 cents again.". I also found a place to sublet for the next 4 months until the trip happens. It's gonna be me and like 5 Indian kids who go to hopkins. Right in the village and I have my own room and share the bathroom and kitchen. They had this weird shit about me possibly cooking meat in the kitchen and since I offered to not cook meat in the house (since it seemed like a ridiculously huge issue for some reason??) he gave me a discount on the rent. 400 bucks a month! Incredible, no?

Brillliance. Today was a lookin' on up day.

Old Love Notes Found in a Corner

"He had Bukowski on his beside table, along with an ivory dragon and a small Buddhist book, locked with beads. He shows me his work, comics first, shaded skulls and shapely older women after. I think of running my hand through those curls. I think of telling him how nervous I had been to grab his hand and how I wonder if we have done it since. I could watch him do nothing forever. In sleep, I hate him, dream up his demise but when I wake I can't remember what I might have really said. The few small moments still, rub off in light, not words. I cannot pronounce them anyways. And when he said that he doesn't know what love is, I should have moved! I lay there, paralyzed with his words, were they really making any sense or just stagnant phrases linked by misunderstandings? I should have kissed him then and shut us both up. Oh well, no regrets, I guess I'll see him soon. That priceless face, when he first saw me! I can focus on those moments and let his demons live separately beneath."

I'm about to re-evaluate shit. After I tripped, it sort of threw my head for a real spin. I gotta get my priorities straight. I think all I've been doing for the past month has been eating and smoking pot and reading or watching movies. And that's fine but Ima bout to make some changes. I cut up my credit card cuz that shit is pissing me off and it's like fake money but its not so that's not cool at all. Next, I am going to severely cut back on my bud intake. I mean, lets not be ridiculous...I'm not going to stop! I just need to make sure that I have done all the other shit I want to get done before I start with the ganja. I am moving out of my mother's home too. I need to get out of there. I'm just gonna sublet a place until May. And besides rent, I need to be more frugal man! If I want to travel this summer I better stop spending crazy amounts of money on shit that I had no reason to buy. And I want to go to Naropa. I will go to UB and be happy about it if I have to...but I think I should go to Naropa. I have been here for so long. It's been a 2 year process and I'm starting to feel like shit needs to begin to work a bit differently in my life.

Last life change: no more 9-5 jobs until absolutely necessary. FUCK THAT. FUCK IT! My next job will be one with shifts.

3 more months to work and chill in Bmore and then I want to be gone for at least a month before the fall starts.

Exciting shit, huh?